Women Aspies, We aren’t an Endangered Species

There seems to be quite a few generalizations about what an Aspie is and is not. Some think of a person with Aspergers to be a “nerd” or extremely proficient savant. Part of the problem of these generalizations are also how most of them apply to males and typically have excluded females. Too many myths that make us seem like the rarity when in fact there are far too many of us living into our adult years, undiagnosed because we don’t even suspect it’s a possibility.

As Autism awareness is not in full force in nearly every modern country in the world, more focus is finally shifting to the concept of girls on the spectrum. So many continue to still be misdiagnosed or undiagnosed with either mental health issues or no understanding at all. It is a very invisible to even doctors who still look for the typical “symptoms” that present in males. Sure we have similarities but the main thing that sets us apart is how we are better able to hide our oddities and Aspie traits, or so they call this “coping.”

 

This is often one of the hardest things for me to deal with as an adult, however. The fact I grew up learning to mimic and research so much that I could try and pretend to fit in to any environment. I certainly was not always successful, especially if that act was challenged more than I had prepared, but the majority of the time it go me by. I made friends with teachers and adults who could provide the protection I felt I need to continue to avoid real attempts at social connections with peers. I used my ability to learn and retain information every chance I could in order to help give me the facade of self-confidence. I was completely naive though. I avoided recess or anything new. I remember when I was feeling overwhelmed hiding in the bathroom stall or faking I was sick so frequently, teachers would be tempted to say no when I went for a bathroom pass. Unless I felt I could achieve at something, I simply refused to do it. Was I coping by constantly escaping, certainly not. I was avoiding, escaping and sad to say I still find this is one of my biggest struggles. My anxiety centers around many of these situations specifically. It worked more often as a child, now I am just the know it all, egocentric, one upper adult that surely stands out in conversations.

Today, I have to continuously remind myself to listen and not talk about myself or try and correct others. I’m not sure how much early intervention or the right diagnosis would have helped me. In fact, I don’t always know if I would want to be treated for parts of me that I have come to accept and love. I do know that my anxiety, sensory issues, relationship quagmires and self-confidence will need life long work with extensive energy being spent to feel a sense of peace. At 30 years old, I now am faced with the task of really discovering who I am and what parts of me I have faked for so long to try and exist. I realize my emotional maturity is delayed and I feel weak, the exact thing I have always tried to avoid.

Giving it a GO

 

I have started a number of blogs in the past, most which still exist somewhere in interworld but only have one or two posts before they were abandoned. I journal often as my introverted self likes the self reflection but only recently have I begun to let others in. It began when my son, who was six at the time, was diagnosed with Aspergers (currently Autism Spectrum Disorder). Life was hard and I was often left alone to deal with how to manage his special needs while my husband was at the needs of the Army. I needed
support, I needed others to understand my world. Partially out of fear that others were judging what they did not know unintentionally, and partially because I felt guilt as a parent that this may be all my fault. I became a fierce advocate, even working in the field to help other parents learn about how to serve their child’s needs more. I was unlocking mysteries of what would lead to the best quality of life for my son in all sorts of ways from the school house to the doctor’s office. At a subconscious level though, I kept realizing how much of his life slowly resembled my own, but on a bit of an expanded scale.

My son and I are near clones, however I have always said he is x 10 version of me. That has proved true over and over again, leading me to pursue a diagnosis of my own. Confirmation that I too am an Aspie was a very eye opening experience. Suppression for decades lead to me finally accepting certain aspects about myself and exploring the ways in which I “tick.”

In fact, if I was a clock, I didn’t “tick, tock” like most; instead I could describe how I behave in most instances to a tock, tick. I have always needed to analyze nearly everything before emotions are allowed to filter through. Anxiety and depression are separate from this it seems however. Knowing this about myself lead me to search for other mothers and wives who also identify as having Aspergers/ASD. There were a few groups that I joined for women, yet it seemed that few had success at relationships let alone becoming parents. Most of the perspectives came from the other side, the wife of an Aspie husband. While there are similarities it often was far from the same way in which I experienced life as a wife and mother.

I’ll be open because I want others that find themselves in these roles to know they aren’t alone. I find do find extreme pleasure in life and have always really loved my uniquness before I even knew what to call it. But I also suffer from the dehabiliting effects of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. As I really became more aware of my own self, I’ve started to venture into a world where I’m now afraid of never being capable of things I once though I was capable of. I’m finding my own limits. My marriage, being a parent, my career, everything has a new perspective, the spotlight continuously being on the struggles. So while some posts may be somber and seem particularly dim in terms of happiness, keep in mind there are always multiple sides, not all of which can easily be conveyed.

 

Welcome to my Aspie Wife Life.