Trust

I live and die by Trust

 

Trust, it’s something many of us take for granted as it has to be earned but is lost within moments of doing someone wrong. For me, I overly trust to the point I am often vulnerable, easily hurt by those that are less deserving than the coveted trustworthy titles.

Recently I realize this extends beyond just people itself, it goes much deeper into my overall level of trust in the human race. Everyday we know that there is so called evil in the world. Yet we continue beyond that fear to continue on with our lives. We watch TV shows and movies that display some of the most evil characteristic man can display, yet we can peaceful go to sleep feeling content that this isn’t our reality. Unfortunately, that isn’t the same for me.

I enjoy crime shows, probably much more than I should. In fact, the leading characters who are often females such as in Bones (Dr Brennan) or Rizzoli and Isles (Dr Isles) are very easy to identify with in their lack of social understanding and value of intelligence. I wont hypothesize if they are on the spectrum as fictional characters are not easy to dissect in this way, but as I mentioned I do find their personas easy to identify with. Watching these shows gives me comfort in seeing their lives play out as successful women with friends, relationships, children, careers, etc. Yet one part of all these shows has me up all night paranoid with fear.

The pure evil of the murders, rapists, or whatever criminal is currently the focus of the show, is terrifying to me. Not far from reality, as often scripts are based off some version of actual events, they highlight the worst part of humans, when one loses their morality and does the unthinkable.  My capacity for understanding how this is possible continues to loop, irrationally trying to justify how it is possible whether by mental health problems or social injustices that could cause a human to deviate so far to take a life. It may appear to be paranoia, and perhaps in many instances I do become paranoid. I’ve lost my ability to trust in those moments. I do not trust anyone for a time after this thought process begins, because each is capable of an unfeasible transformation to something I simply cannot comprehend, pure evil.

As media becomes more heavily inundated with horrible stories of wrong doings, it becomes more real to me that these possibilities are real. My trust continues to wane. Uncontrollably I cycle through each scenario trying to find a way to trust people again, and feel safe in my own home, neighborhood, town, country, world. There is no escaping the lack of ability to trust that people will always do right, it’s simply unfeasible. So I rely on my logic, the percentages of chance things like this occur and realize my own irrational thought process cannot apply to all. The black and white of all or none because covered in grey. I feel more comfortable knowing there is grey, there has to be. I surround myself with media of feel good stories that overtake the negative and remind us all of what good is in the world. I look to my own child who hugs me and shows pure love. He gives me hope for a more compassionate race.

So what overtakes my irrational sense of trustless paranoia in the human race? Simply one word, HOPE.

 

 

 

How vitamins and supplements helped give me my life back

 

I am not one that is completely against pharmaceutical medications. I avoid them if I can because I don’t want to grow dependent upon them. However, I have a number of different conditions that greatly rely on them (ie GI issues, depression, anxiety, migraines). However, as I got older and my medications truly were piling up, I knew there had to be different methods of finding “optimal health.” Nothing cured my insomnia without a horrible hangover effect. My anxiety was managed by highly sedating medications and still did not do anything for my general anxiety throughout the day. I was fatigued, all day everyday and these just were what wasn’t being treated. Some medications also had side effects such as my migraines got worse, more frequent.  So then they gave me more medications to treat the side effects. It’s easy for a few medications to quickly spiral out of control.

I asked my doctor for a referral to an integrated health psychiatrist. I was on far too high of a dose of antidepressants and I wanted to wean myself down while supplementing with natural remedies. I was lucky to find someone who takes our insurance and fit within the middle ground of natural but also understanding of what my body actually requires to function. She has been amazing, not only helping me but my son as well to find vitamins with research backing them for the specific uses. I already have decreased my antidepressants and hope to continue until eventually I will be treated with over the counter vitamins/supplements.

I have had quite a few friends ask what it is that has changed it all for me. Within a matter of weeks, but what really took years of perfecting, I found a combination that gave me back my life. I could eat again, sleep normal hours, felt more energized than ever, and more productive. My anxiety that had me locked up in my house most days, avoiding people or any other social situations, had started to fade. I enjoyed going to class, seeing friends, and even began looking for other social opportunities such as church groups, playing on a soccer team again and so forth. Ladies, I even enjoyed cleaning my house! But only because I was so tired before I felt like a failure for being unable to clean and take care of my home like I wanted. Joy came from knowing I now had the energy to put forth and feel good about my home.

Before I list off all what I take, please know that many of these have been years of testing and research to find what works for me. Many of my doses are higher than the FDA recommendations and if you want to know why I suggested you read this article.  

I also avoid many “fortified” foods as these contain additional vitamins that I often do not need, or in forms that are more difficult for my body to break down, especially folic acid which becomes toxic because I am homozygous for the MTHFR mutation.

I base my values off of my body’s reaction as I gradually increase them and use additional vitamins to help aid with absorption to keep them low (such as taking vitamin c with iron). So while some of these are beneficial on their own, they really are meant to be taken in combination.

For all of these reasons, I highly recommend finding someone who understands the research of vitamin safety and willing to do testing to determine what your individual body needs. All of that being said, here is my list and links to where I end up buying most of them, good ol Amazon.

Prescribed (but also available over the counter)

L-Methyfolate/Deplin 1x Daily

Ergocalcieferol/Vitamin D2 50,000 unit 1x week

Ferrous Sulfate/ Iron 2x daily (take separate from any antacid medications and with food + vitamin C)

 

 

Purchased over the counter

Solgar B12 5000iui 1x daily in AM

Thorne Stress B ComplexThorne Stress B Complex 2x daily in the AM (Garden of Life Vitamin Code Raw B-Complex if I don’t have Thorne)

Solgar Magnesium, Calcium, D3

Garden of Life Vitamin C

Fish Oil 1000mg 2 of them 2x daily

Melatonin 10mg 1x daily in PM (this is considered a high dose, start slow and don’t go higher than you need)

 

Essential Oils

I use doterra because I personally have had reactions (rash/migraine) to most other brands. Do your research for safe oils and don’t just trust what’s in the supermarket or combinations sold by brands that you don’t know.  They are strong, and many will add other things besides carrier oils that make them less beneficial while others don’t know the strengths of the oils and can be hazardous.  If you want more info, I can get you in touch with some great people who know all about oil “safety.” Ok that’s the end of my oil warnings. All of these are used with fractionated coconut oil as the carrier oil(CO) .

 

Roller Balls

Soothe Blend (20+20 drops of Serenity and Balance + CO) – Anxiety

Past Tense – Sinus pressure/Headaches/Migraines

Peppermint – Migraines

Digestzen- apply around stomach for GI Support

Clary Calm- Being a woman/Ovary support

Cheer – it’s in the name, but for when I’m feeling grumpy for no real reason

Breathe – Asthma, breathing issues for anything especially living at altitutde

 

Diffusing Blends

Clove + Lemon + Peppermint – Headaches and sleep

Patchouli + Clove + Orange + Lavender – Sleep

3 drops Lavender + 3 drops Wild Orange + 3 drops Roman Chamomile- SLEEP

Holiday Cheer – anxiety

Wild Orange – need a wake me up, pick me up

Lavender + Cedarwood – Relaxation (add vetiver if you have it, I don’t)

Donate to Our Team for the local Autism Society Walk

Not a blog today, but wanted a place for family and friends to be able to find out how to donate to the Autism Society of Colorado, an organization that has provided us the opportunity to attend special autism friendly events and experiences. Very grateful for them and hoping for a larger presence in our area as we often have to drive upwards of 70 miles to attend the events. When you are scared to go to outings because of the stares, the sensory overload, and just unable to handle crowds, they bring life to those on the spectrum where they are at, just being themselves.

GO Here to donate to our team – Keep Calm It’s Just Autism

 

 

Do Adults Get Do-Overs?

Currently, I am re-enrolled in college working towards a Bachelor’s in IT/Web Development. I jokingly told the admissions counselor  “It will go perfectly with the Bachelors I already have in Psychology and another in Human Development.” I really struggle with the regret I have over these degrees and worry that perhaps they are so different, I have no chance in this young booming tech industry. I simply waited too long for a career change.

 

My first time around, I attended college right out of high school, and I had very little sense of who I was, or what I wanted. Which really isn’t terribly different from most 18-19 year olds at that stage, but having a narcissistic mother meant that my future aspirations were often defined by what she projected on me. I wanted to cure cancer, because that would certainly bring me fame and therefore, fame to her,through me. But I hated the sight of blood, and I avoided science labs at college as long as I could, until it was lab…or… change your major. So I changed my major. But I felt a sense of failure and dread, a guilt already hard to overcome.

Finally, I changed from a Pre-Med major to something that intrigued me, psychology. I didn’t understand people after being sheltered nearly my entire childhood, and emotions still were vastly confusing. Could I be a good person and still experience anger, or would the mere expression of anger create an evil in me that others could see? That was one of my biggest fears.

I was taught to numb emotions, shove them away in the back of the closet, lock it tight then never let anyone have the key. They were naughty things that should never be seen or heard. I suppose that was some of the difficult parts of my childhood, or what some of my counselors deemed my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

The diagnosis of PTSD fit me, but not entirely. Because here is where I diverged from typical PTSD symptomatology: I truly wanted to learn more about emotions, I wanted to connect, trust, love, move forward. I was not stuck in the trauma of my youth, I was impaired in my ability to interact with my environment. Yet, the way in which I could process trust and relationships would ultimately require routine, structure, and logic beyond all else.

Visit http://www.autismdailynewscast.com/autism-and-co-occurring-conditions-ocd-ptsd-panic-disorder/8715/laurel-joss/ fir a great read. PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression are often considered co-morbid with Asperger’s Syndrome. Because we experience the world intensely, our emotions, sensitivities, all overwhelm our ability to cope. This puts Aspie women particularly at an increased risk of developing PTSD.

 

 

Psychology was not just an interest either, it was something I could easily become obsessive about to the point I lost focus of how a theory was not concrete. That alone is one of the biggest foundations of psychology! There are many published examples of research that has later become completely redefined theories based on evolving studies. Me however, I saw these theories as facts and clung to them, it was a way of life for me to be able to finally have something to guide me and rely upon. In fact, I recall in my social psychology class the professor mentioned how behavior studies found that people most often avoid the first bathroom stall in public restrooms. To this day, my brain will spit out that fact at the sight of any public restroom to remind me to use the first stall. This may seem silly, but when you have so much of your early life restricted, and inability to tell what emotions are, the world quickly becomes a very terrifying unknown place full of monsters who might just try to strike an impromptu conversation with me.

 

It’s important I make it clear, I was somewhat obsessive in my interest, but unlike what we see on tv or generalized as a typical Asperger male, not all people with Aspergers/Autism have some special gift, a savant like ability. Psychology, was certainly not a gift for me, in fact it took me many years to realize I was horrible in its application. It could have been my intense insatiable need for perfection that drove me to keep pursuing psychology, as I got a C- in my first Psych 101 course. Then again, it could have been my need to understand emotions and the experiences I had numbed myself to from my childhood. No matter, I pursued it, obtained my degree and felt accomplishment. After all, you can’t just get a do over after 5 years of college, countless student loans, and two degrees that fit you about as well as a bride might fit into her newborn bonnet on her wedding day. I couldn’t see at the time the ultimate flaw to both the degrees I obtained, and it took me years until finally having the awareness of my own strengths, to accept I needed a do-over.

 

So here I am, 30 years of age in what may seem to some as my quarter life crisis (thinking positively that I might live till 90 years of age). I like to think of it as a quarter life rediscovery instead and in simpler terms my do-over. I didn’t get it right the first time, in fact I had a career and I pushed myself to be as close as perfection as I could be in the field I chose. But it drained me, emotionally, physically, I was exhausted and needed to sleep for days from the work. I was forcing myself to try to fit in a career I was simply never made to really succeed at, or at least not in the terms of success I hoped for.

It took some reflection to come to terms with this, only after becoming a stay at home mom to help my son with his own special needs. What was I good at? What did I enjoy or could see myself enjoying not just today, tomorrow, but for years to come? And as an adult with a family, of course the final question was what could help our family financially? This was an interesting twist of back and forth between my interests and really just listening to who I have been all along. I thought I could make money knitting, a skill I picked up very quickly and do enjoy. I contemplate with other small business ventures and applied for jobs that sounded interesting. But not were fully encompassing of my strengths or even attempting to harness them.

Then, a very good friend of mine asked for some help with her website. I was so excited and knew that it was something I had already some basic knowledge of, in fact I had always enjoyed tinkering with web development and design. The more I worked on her website the more I realized how my 1990s skills were very diminished in 2016 advanced web world. I would have to learn more, but more importantly I wanted to learn more! I felt myself really begin to function at a different level, one that I could force myself into for one of my previous jobs, but this did not exhaust me. In fact, it was like I was running on all engines, and then kicked in a little something extra with still gas left in the tank! Thinking back I knew computers had always been a passion of mine. I had a keen understanding of them early on. I was terribly afraid to enter a field with something I enjoyed, and be challenged so greatly that there was a very good possibility I would fail. Especially in a field that has been so predominately lead by males for some time, I knew I’d stick out. So before I shied away and went for very typical general degrees that were full of women. It was comfortable, it was achievable. I didn’t want to be that same shy 18 year old, I wanted to feel fulfilled. And why should being different keep me from that human need.

This week I just finished up my finals for my first session of my Bachelor’s in Web Development. And I’m honestly completely terrified of how I did. My anxiety hasn’t let me sleep, I’m sure it seems like I am having some kind of panic attack nearly all the time. My work did not meet my standards, I felt dumb more than a few times because how far off from expectations my own work was or how much extra I may have had to study for each assignment. But, I completed two courses already, and am on my way. I’m getting my do-over, my own rediscovery isn’t too late. I lived life in a way that didn’t work, so I can live a better life that suits me.

Cue the Katie Perry and “Fight Song” music…

 

Priorities: Wife, Mom, or ME? Who’s FIRST?

Priorities are important, that much seems to be common knowledge at least. This is not something that is limited to just those on the spectrum, but a struggle we all face. How to prioritize our lives and get to that perfect balance?

Priorities has been on my mind quite a bit lately. As I have gone back to school and take on a new priority of student, it seems my priority list is all “out of whack” and those I love the most, suffer the most when I can’t do this well. As women, it seems like our priorities seem to take on a beast like quality. It becomes all consuming and we hear about it all the time.

From your parents…”You have to make yourself a priority”
From your other mom friends, or teachers…”Make your child a priority”
From your pastor…”Make your husband a priority”

….and the list of criticisms goes on.

 

Top Priorities

 

However, as a woman in the United States or UK specifically, we seem very split on how to spend that time. The top three choices for priorities seem to be pretty consistent, even thought split differently, across cultures: our children, our spouse/partner, and ourself (FleishmanHillard, 2014).

From TRUE CONFESSIONS: WOMEN ACROSS THE GLOBE ON PRIORITIES, AGING, DISCRIMINATION AND MORE. Based on a survey of more than 4,300 women and men (between the ages of 21 and 70) from Brazil, China, the UK and U.S. Men were asked the same questions to probe for differences.

So, great, it’s mostly narrowed down to three main priorities. Surely we can be flexible and switch priorities as need be, right? Ideally, that would be the case, and some become very successful at just this.  For an autistic brain this flexibility is not as simply done. Personally, I thrive on a hierarchy type structure, having well organized thoughts helps me immensely and I need that order. Something that isn’t defined will completely throw off my ability to function and likely result in me becoming overwhelmed, incapable of even attending to the highest of priorities already defined.

 

Brain on Graphs

Below is three graphs, the first two of which represent how an Aspie Wife, like myself, might initially prioritize (order changing of course by personal interpretation of priority list). The first is what comes natural, the hierarchy of static structure that is rigid. At my best, and with understanding support I can begin to go to the second graph. There is more flexibility, and I can handle other priorities that are presented without knowing them ahead of time, because I anticipate there will be unexpected. I also know each of my top priorities can shift. This is only possible for me when I am not experiencing any other kind of coping or stress overload.

Example of My  Natural Cognitively Generated Hierarchy of Priorities 

My Cognitive Hierarchy when I am at my best with full coping abilities to devote time and energy to categorizing and being flexible with priorities.

So maybe you aren’t an Aspie but still think this way. That’s perfectly fine too and again I don’t want to limit this but just define the tendency we may have as the logical side of us tends to dominate our thinking processes.

 

Best Practices

Finally, the last matrix below shoes a best practices method of prioritizing by many different businesses and success coaches. You can immediately notice the differences in the ones above and the one below. There is no set priority, in fact there is no Son, Husband, Self, Flex labels because it changes.

Best practices Priority Grid from http://www.gridproductive.com/3-methods-help-set-priorities/

 

AHHH!! Already, it stresses me out seeing something that isn’t defined. How do I prepare for this? How do I go into each situation not knowing what the priority might be?In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey writes:

“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”

For me, it’s the exact opposite but again, not unlike most. So hopefully for those who are reading and not on the spectrum it is something that you can relate to. For us, there is an additional piece of rigidity that is typical across the spectrum. It’s not impossible to change the way we think but it takes extensive amounts of effort. I have trained myself to internally slow down and think through situations, listening for cues about the environment and asking questions for clarification. It takes practice and even before I knew I had Aspergers I would try very hard to learn how to fit in, how to make lists in my head of what to do and how to act, using correlations to apply it in similar situations.

Executive Functioning and Flexibility

An example of my inability to adjust can be described best in a story of my childhood I remember. When I was as a child when I went to a mall with my mom. We were shopping and then my mother simply walked onto an escalator, expecting me to follow. I still remember the fear and sheer terror I felt trying to think in my mind how to get on this device without it hurting me. The sharp edges and ridges, the disappearing stairs, and the motion were too many factors for me to equate how to react. It took only moments before I started to cry, my mother now at the bottom and me screaming “I can’t” over and over again. It took a stranger holding my hand before I could finally get to her at the bottom.  I have since seen other children experience the same fear, but still to this day I will avoid an escalator. This simple task takes quite a bit of what is called executive functioning.

A simple task like getting on an escalator, can be very difficult for someone with Autism because of executive functioning difficulties. Executive functioning includes skills such as working memory, problem solving, coordination, attention, cognitive flexibility, initiation, reasoning, planning, and anticipation (among many others). It’s essential to success!

 

Anticipation and coordination across both sides of the brain are similar in the ways in which we prioritize. We take both the input from the environment and our own needs to determine what actions should result next, or what priority should come first, second, etc. Knowing that this deficit exists allows us to embrace what we as an Aspie Wife might need in order to be better prioritize.

Who Goes Where?

There are a number of articles and books that point to what should go where. But no matter, it will always be a struggle to find that perfect pyramid because everyday priorities will change. Planning for them will only lead to more unpleasantness when new information is received that puts into question what we anticipated. Instead, a priority must always have an assumption it may change, nothing can be static. By identifying new information as it comes in and categorizing it, such as the important /urgency matrix it may be possible to be more successful in how we choose to devote our time and energy. Still, we need to respect that our brains are different, and there will be limitations to the amount of effort we put into this. I still know that no matter what, eventually I will become overwhelmed and still feel helpless, just as I did when I stood at the escalator, not knowing what to do next. Support from others, and letting ourselves be okay with our own limitations is always the best practice of all.

References
Diaz-Guma, M. (2015). Research Switching Thinking about Flexibility of Cognition. Retrieved on May 20, 2016 from http://news.miami.edu/stories/2015/09/new-model-of-cognitive-flexibility-gives-insight-into-autism-spectrum-disorder.html

FleishmanHillard.(2014).TRUE CONFESSIONS: WOMEN ACROSS THE GLOBE ON PRIORITIES, AGING, DISCRIMINATION AND MORE. Retrieved on May 20, 2016 from http://fleishmanhillard.com/2014/11/true/true-confessions-women-across-globe-numbers-priorities-aging-discrimination/

Grid Productivity. (2014). 3 Methods to Help Sort Your Priorities. Retrieved on May 20, 2016 from http://www.gridproductive.com/3-methods-help-set-priorities/.

McMannon, M. (2015). Becoming a Change Master. Retrieved from http://www.autism-society.org/in-the-news/ask-the-expert-becoming-a-change-master-how-young-adults-with-aspergers-syndrome-can-take-positive-action/

The Lies Our Emotions Tell…

As a person with Aspergers, I am not set apart from experiencing pain associated with trauma. Many without any form of Autism develop severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD correlating with events from their past and present. It makes life incredibly difficult, and from the outside I’m sure it only contributes to the stigma of what being an aspie might already mean.

TRAUMA

When I was younger, not only did I have a narcissistic mother who effectively skewed my conceptions of love and trust, but I also had a step father who did damage of his own. I witnessed my mother being choked, beaten and was more than once scared for her life. I did not understand the dangerous place I put myself as a child who would literally jump in the middle to try and save her. Instead, it allowed her the opportunity to get away, sometimes to call the police other times wait it out till he finally would leave. But often, this was not until after he had spit on my face, called me names, or even reminded me he was carrying a gun, which was nearly always on his person.

Incredibly, I don’t remember being terrified, this could have been due to adrenaline or the fact I over-utilized the numbing coping mechanism to the point many of my childhood memories are locked away. But the idea of needing to be strong no matter what has always stuck with me and anger did little to shake me in the moment. That is, until something unlocks my memories, and suddenly I am that 12 year old girl unable to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything because of the lies my brain tells.

EMOTIONAL PARALYSIS

I feel at a disadvantage because I am incredibly aware that these are lies but unable to keep myself from feeling such complex emotions. It is as if I am paralyzed intellectually even though I am completely aware of what is going on in my own mind. How it appears I am handling such intense emotions also seems very odd, because the way they become expressed is through a battle of logic as if I am playing emotional chess and won’t give up until I feel I have finally won.

On the outside, there is little to show that I am emotionally falling apart. I try to hide the emotions as if they are merely internal and never to be shown. Meanwhile, I hate myself for feeling these intense feelings at all and being limited in what I am capable of doing because of them. I keep myself from social situations because I know I am already emotionally taxed, which means I can’t use the effort I need to actually fit in and handle multiple people, stranger, social rules without having my own version of an autistic meltdown.

That part is not a lie, in fact I have tried many time to power through and being the strong person society tells us we all are in times of struggle. Instead, I end up hiding in a bathroom, crying between people coming in and then leaving, not able to identify what triggered me only knowing I just need to go home and hug one of my animals, lay in bed, and feel safe. That only causes more regret however, because I hate how I can’t be at functions or keep myself together to share time with my family, enjoy unique opportunities, and so on.

THE MYTH

Many assume that those with Aspergers lack empathy or are in some way emotionally deficit. In fact, many of those who I have come to know, and also including myself, are far from it, instead it is an emotional battle no one can see. We feel everything so deeply that we are logically playing the most intense game of emotional chess in which each move is trying to be calculated. The problem is, it is as if I have never played chess in my whole life, I am a beginner trying to learn while spending energy to make the best move. Being a perfectionist, I feel like I must win, even if this is my first time. Processing emotions drains me entirely as I devote myself to the logic in each next step, not even taking the time to identify for certain what emotion I am feeling or why it exists. I just know that there are ways to manage it in context that I must use calculated guess in how to move forward.

BRAIN TRASH TALK

During this emotional head game with myself, quite literally, there is also a mean game of trash talk that my brain takes part in. Sometimes it catches me off guard because what started as me trying to figure out my next calculated move, is now me thrown off and wondering if what I “heard,” or felt rather, is actually true. For example, anxiety may cause me to hear “you can’t do this, you’ll fail and everyone will notice” or “this is stupid, they are going to realize you aren’t good enough to be here.” This list goes on and the trash talking only gets worse the more I push myself beyond a safe comfortable situation void of raw emotions.

Because of the internal death match going on, I am even less emotionally equipped to handle a possible emotionally charged discussion or argument. While I am battling the negative thoughts and trying to come up with reasons these aren’t true based upon my own logic, I am then challenged with someone else who is telling me the same thing I have tried to negate inside. The easiest choice becomes, to accept what negative thing another has said is true, and I have become the problem, I am not good enough, etc. What follows is a shut down, a way to per serve by showing as little emotion as possible because I cannot process both internally and externally. Instead I go cold, numb, non responsive and want to isolate myself. Perhaps this is why many think we Aspies have no empathy, when in fact, we have so much emotion it overwhelms and consumes us to the point we have to shutdown to survive.  Because otherwise, the logical alternative to an inability to handle such emotions, or when we lose the game of chess, is to end it all.

According to an article Stephanie Holmes, MA, BCCC “The rates of suicide are rising among teens with high functioning autism (formerly called Asperger’s /Aspies). There is not a study to provide empirical numbers, but those working with Aspie teens are suggesting that 50% of Aspie teens have contemplated or attempted suicide and Aspie teens are at a 40-50% higher risk of completing suicide than their Neuro-typical (NT) counterparts” (Holmes, 2013).

The main reason for an increased risk is the social isolation and rejection that is felt. During the constant analysis, I tend to lean one of three ways: either I give up because there is no logical conclusion that would bring about a good result to a situation, I go outside of my bubble and feel very uncomfortable taking note that I am the odd one out even when I do try, or I have a panic/depression attack for the record books. Another excerpt from Holmes (2013) explains how the brain reacts to a triggered response for an aspie.

“The depression comes on intensely and paired with a pre-frontal cortex that does not always see permanent consequences of actions is not getting a “do not do it” message from the executive part of their brain. They see the suicide as an immediate response to end sudden, intense pain and thoughts of it being something that cannot be undone is not usually part of their pre-frontal cortex thinking process…

The overactive amygdala sends signals that begin the heart racing, adrenaline production, stomach churning and as Attwood said, “It is like the Aspie is the last to know about his or her heightened emotions. He appears to be just as surprised as the observer when emotions have escalated.

Attwood adds that inherent to the condition is the tendency to catastrophize. Because of this tendency, there are challenges to regulate their emotions. Add to that the amygdala of an Aspie
tends to be 10-15 % larger than in Neuro-typicals which can inflate the “danger alerts” in the fight/flight/freeze system. What would have been a 1 on the scale for a NT individual could easily have registered as a 10 to the Aspie.

These all result in furthering my feelings of inadequacies in most of my social endeavors. The few times I do feel successful are thanks to the loving and caring friends who enjoy who I am and make it known to me that the things I saw are taken to heart, appreciated, and a reason they call me a friend. Those are the things that keep the battle continuing, because that is when I win it all.

The battles going on within us all are not meant to be seen on the outside, but should be communicate with someone we love and care about. That way, we can have help in battling the lies that our own brain tells us, having that affirmation of truth can ease the internal frustration and add to the logic we already know yet cant feel. We may self isolate, but we aren’t meant to suffer alone. No one is. If you do not have a love one or someone you trust to talk to, I would encourage you to reach out to a support group (in person, online, on the phone) with a group you feel comfortable with. For some this might be a woman’s Asperger group and others might feel more connected to a group that is inclusive of those with anxiety, depression or PTSD. Personally I have found great affirmation and relevance by joining Facebook groups of those who are also diagnosed as having Asperger. The similarities help me feel less alone and others will help me to break down the emotions I feel into the logical application I need in order to reason with it all.

Whatever we all go through, the most important thing to realize is that we aren’t alone and our brain lies! As logical as we find ourselves in most situations emotions become overwhelming enough that we cannot find the reason in which they exist, so instead we become vulnerable to the lies. It’s something I wish upon no one because it’s exhausting and grueling. An internal struggle that must be won, because we are all needed, loved by someone, and here for a reason, even if our brain is trying hard to tell us we are not.

References

Holmes, Stephanie. (2013). The Growing Rate of Suicide and High Functioning Autism. American Association of Christian Counselors. Retrieved on May 12, 2016 from http://www.aacc.net/2013/07/18/the-growing-concern-of-suicide-and-high-functioning-autism/

Mother’s Day Letter to my Narcissistic “Mom”

Happy Mother’s Day to My Narcissistic Mother

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

 

I know that there are more than just a few who are silently hurting this Mother’s Day. Loss of a child, infertility, those who yearn to be a mother. Then there are also those who can’t celebrate their own mother, the title of mom itself may even be too much considering how they’ve been treated. After many years of hoping for a mother of my own to celebrate, trying to see the good in a destructive tornado of pain and agony, I finally gave in and let go of ever having a mom. We no longer speak, as I’ve found the separation from a toxic and narcissistic parent to be much easier than trying to emotionally believe she is capable of loving me. Some moms may have given birth to their children, but the title of mother will just never fit them. If we did talk, I suppose this is what I would say:

Women Aspies, We aren’t an Endangered Species

There seems to be quite a few generalizations about what an Aspie is and is not. Some think of a person with Aspergers to be a “nerd” or extremely proficient savant. Part of the problem of these generalizations are also how most of them apply to males and typically have excluded females. Too many myths that make us seem like the rarity when in fact there are far too many of us living into our adult years, undiagnosed because we don’t even suspect it’s a possibility.

As Autism awareness is not in full force in nearly every modern country in the world, more focus is finally shifting to the concept of girls on the spectrum. So many continue to still be misdiagnosed or undiagnosed with either mental health issues or no understanding at all. It is a very invisible to even doctors who still look for the typical “symptoms” that present in males. Sure we have similarities but the main thing that sets us apart is how we are better able to hide our oddities and Aspie traits, or so they call this “coping.”

 

This is often one of the hardest things for me to deal with as an adult, however. The fact I grew up learning to mimic and research so much that I could try and pretend to fit in to any environment. I certainly was not always successful, especially if that act was challenged more than I had prepared, but the majority of the time it go me by. I made friends with teachers and adults who could provide the protection I felt I need to continue to avoid real attempts at social connections with peers. I used my ability to learn and retain information every chance I could in order to help give me the facade of self-confidence. I was completely naive though. I avoided recess or anything new. I remember when I was feeling overwhelmed hiding in the bathroom stall or faking I was sick so frequently, teachers would be tempted to say no when I went for a bathroom pass. Unless I felt I could achieve at something, I simply refused to do it. Was I coping by constantly escaping, certainly not. I was avoiding, escaping and sad to say I still find this is one of my biggest struggles. My anxiety centers around many of these situations specifically. It worked more often as a child, now I am just the know it all, egocentric, one upper adult that surely stands out in conversations.

Today, I have to continuously remind myself to listen and not talk about myself or try and correct others. I’m not sure how much early intervention or the right diagnosis would have helped me. In fact, I don’t always know if I would want to be treated for parts of me that I have come to accept and love. I do know that my anxiety, sensory issues, relationship quagmires and self-confidence will need life long work with extensive energy being spent to feel a sense of peace. At 30 years old, I now am faced with the task of really discovering who I am and what parts of me I have faked for so long to try and exist. I realize my emotional maturity is delayed and I feel weak, the exact thing I have always tried to avoid.

Giving it a GO

 

I have started a number of blogs in the past, most which still exist somewhere in interworld but only have one or two posts before they were abandoned. I journal often as my introverted self likes the self reflection but only recently have I begun to let others in. It began when my son, who was six at the time, was diagnosed with Aspergers (currently Autism Spectrum Disorder). Life was hard and I was often left alone to deal with how to manage his special needs while my husband was at the needs of the Army. I needed
support, I needed others to understand my world. Partially out of fear that others were judging what they did not know unintentionally, and partially because I felt guilt as a parent that this may be all my fault. I became a fierce advocate, even working in the field to help other parents learn about how to serve their child’s needs more. I was unlocking mysteries of what would lead to the best quality of life for my son in all sorts of ways from the school house to the doctor’s office. At a subconscious level though, I kept realizing how much of his life slowly resembled my own, but on a bit of an expanded scale.

My son and I are near clones, however I have always said he is x 10 version of me. That has proved true over and over again, leading me to pursue a diagnosis of my own. Confirmation that I too am an Aspie was a very eye opening experience. Suppression for decades lead to me finally accepting certain aspects about myself and exploring the ways in which I “tick.”

In fact, if I was a clock, I didn’t “tick, tock” like most; instead I could describe how I behave in most instances to a tock, tick. I have always needed to analyze nearly everything before emotions are allowed to filter through. Anxiety and depression are separate from this it seems however. Knowing this about myself lead me to search for other mothers and wives who also identify as having Aspergers/ASD. There were a few groups that I joined for women, yet it seemed that few had success at relationships let alone becoming parents. Most of the perspectives came from the other side, the wife of an Aspie husband. While there are similarities it often was far from the same way in which I experienced life as a wife and mother.

I’ll be open because I want others that find themselves in these roles to know they aren’t alone. I find do find extreme pleasure in life and have always really loved my uniquness before I even knew what to call it. But I also suffer from the dehabiliting effects of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. As I really became more aware of my own self, I’ve started to venture into a world where I’m now afraid of never being capable of things I once though I was capable of. I’m finding my own limits. My marriage, being a parent, my career, everything has a new perspective, the spotlight continuously being on the struggles. So while some posts may be somber and seem particularly dim in terms of happiness, keep in mind there are always multiple sides, not all of which can easily be conveyed.

 

Welcome to my Aspie Wife Life.